THE SEWER SCANDAL OF THE CENTURY
By: Peter J. Worden
One day. Many years from now. Your grand kids and grand kids’ grand kids will go to the bathroom, flush, and be grateful that years ago their grandfather’s grandfather and grandmother’s grandmother didn’t take any s-h-i-... (continued below..)
An artist’s depiction of ... what we’re not too sure. A sewer exploding, it looks. With toilets and a mushroom cloud and... You know? We ask the art-guy here for an illustration that depicts town outrage over the sewer scandal of the century and he draws this. Unbelievable. This is the problem with unions.
(continued from above..)
t from anybody.
A governing body – municipal, provincial, federal, global, or god help us all, intergalactical – must be questioned often about its decisions.
As it stands, a new sewer line on Nanton’s 21 Street will cost store and property owners on that street $148,000, or an estimated $180/per metre of frontage. That the sewer upgrade is needed is not the issue. What is, is a philosophic virtue at the very stinky core of democracy.
Sewers are the service of all town’s people, not just to those whose sidewalks it happens to lay beneath. Rain and wastewater flows from residences up-town past the hapless property owners of 21 St. (who must shoulder the sewer’s entire improvement costs) before arriving at a wastewater facility and finally, treated, released into Mosquito Creek.
In the fair society, uptown residents should actually pay a larger percentage because their waste presumably spends more time in the sewer system before arriving at Mosquito Creek, therefore “using” it more. As it stands then, having residents of 21 St pay the entire cost is quite backward. But it is not only unjust. The goal of democracy being at its core to strive for justice, to not speak out makes the sewer debacle undemocratic, too.
I am reminded of the writer John Gardner, who said: “The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy; neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.” It will be a dark, stinky day in Nanton indeed when citizens decide not to give a damn, not just for their sewers, but for the municipal democracy that puts those sewers in place and pays for them.
Your grand kids and their grand kids in the future will recount the history of the Great Sewer Debacle of 2010, (or 20-aught-10 as I imagine people say in the future) and applaud not just the fine plumbing their town has but the philosophies behind them as well.
The Rantin’ Nanton is a forum dedicated to the airing of public grievances regardless of how much one has had to drink. I figure since the majority of grievances are aired to me anyway, it was right to provide a spot for this particular debacle. You can leave comments here, on this page or send your rantin’ to NANTONNEWSX@LIVE.CA
3 TIPS TO HELP SETTLE THE GREAT SEWER DEBACLE
ONCE. AND FOR. ALL.
Below are tips –two ridiculous, one serious– on how to have a town where, to paraphrase, ‘the pipes AND philosophies hold water.’
TIP # 1. Use your garden hose for everything. Everything. It’s humanity’s all-in-one water-dispensing device, the hose – a shower head, dishwasher, bidet and sprinkler-system all in one. Requires zero sewers, just an open mind. And understanding neighbours.
TIP # 2. For those who cherish going to the bathroom indoors, but still wish to by-pass the sewer system, how about organizing a bucket-system with like-minded neighbours? (Sort of like the bucket scene in the Little Rascals when they have to put out a fire. Like that. But all the way to the wastewater treatment plant.)
TIP # 3. SIGN THE TOWN PETITION.
If you:
(i) Are 18+;
(ii) Have lived in Nanton for at least 6 months;
(iii) Believe sewer upgrades (regardless of what street they lay beneath) are the service of the whole town and therefore should be paid by the whole town’s taxes as a standard maintenance upgrade;
(iv) Have gone to the bathroom in Nanton in the past 40 years;
Then!
Sign the petition. 10 per cent of the town’s population is needed (213 signatures in all) to force a plebiscite next election on the Great Sewer Debacle of 20-aught-10.
You can sign at the Auditorium Hotel, Because I Said So, GCS Auto and Willowcrest Forge.
The TOOTING MY OWN HORN SECTION
CBC COMING TO NANTON!
FOLLOWING INTERVIEW BY: PETER J. WORDEN
Correctomongo. The CBC will be visiting Nanton May 22 to see a man about a little story on a little newspaper called the Experiment. Wait a tic, the Experiment? That’s this paper. And May 22? Shnikies, that’s today! Damn these impossible deadlines. How am I supposed to do a promotional story of the paper if it comes out the same day CBC is visiting? Oh right, just make it up as always.
CBC: Hi, thank you for meeting. You look handsome this afternoon.
PETER: Thank you. So where do you want me to sit for this interview? What do I do with my hands?
CBC: Actually, it’s a radio interview so it really doesn’t matter what you do with your hands. In fact, right now, it’s just a print interview. So you can really put your hands wherever you like.
(Resting his hands on his lap.)
PETER: Alrighty then. So what do you think so far?
CBC: About your miniature newspaper? I like it. How long have you been publishing it?
PETER: About exactly a year now. It’s the anniversary issue. Wait who’s interviewing whom here?
CBC: I thought I was coming to Nanton to interview you.
PETER: Right, but I thought I was interviewing you as a preview for coming to Nanton.
CBC: But I’m coming that day. How will you publish an interview with me if I don’t get there until the day the paper publishes? I’m confused.
PETER: I was just going to sort of make things up.
CBC: Okay.
PETER: Okay.
CBC: So can I ask a question then?
PETER: Sure. Shoot.
CBC: I see you like to skirt copyright and slander laws a bit.
PETER: A bit.
CBC: How’s that working for ya?
The Experiment regrets the previous complete waste of your time. For a real interview by a real reporter listen to CBC radio for the feature on Nanton and the Experiment. Type “Nanton Experiment” on Facebook to see details.
By: Peter J. Worden
Local Pundit
Pundits all wrong! (Minus me, of course.) To anyone who says the newspaper is no longer useful Рpaper mach̩ miniature newspaper boxes. If you want one for your business, write to: nantonnewsx@live.ca Not great outside, BUT can be substituted in a pinch to make pancakes.)
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