THE NANTON EXPERIMENT - ISSUE No. 6. SIX? WOW, REALLY? YOU'RE STILL DOING THIS, EH ... DON'T YOU THINK MAYBE THIS NONSENSE HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH?

Here is the online version of the Nanton Experiment. Voted Nanton's No. 1 premier miniature newspaper. By me a minute ago.

SATURDAY AUGUST 15, 2009

IN THIS WEEK'S NANTON EXPERIMENT:

NANTON TO TWIN WITH SENANTES, FRANCE!

TOWN COUNCIL TOYS WITH NEW NAME “FRANCETON”

TOGETHER AT LAST: From space, an artist’s depiction of what the actual twinning of Nanton, Alberta and Senantes, France will look like. The move is expected to cost in the zillion-bajillions of dollars and displace or simply crush millions of people. Western poutine sales are expected to skyrocket. Image courtesy of: NASA (That is, the Nanton Absurd Stories Assoc.)

Nanton twins with Senantes, France – Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Ontario to be crushed, pissed.

_______

Quebec, not too mad at all

By: Peter J. Worden

Noah Webster defines ‘twinning’ n. as the coupling of two things; union.

Nanton and the French village of Senantes will be formally twinned in a ceremony this afternoon. However, the Experiment has recently learned (and by ‘learned’ we mean ‘completely and arbitrarily just made-up’) that there are proposed plans already in the works to twin the two towns geographically, too.

In order to twin the towns in this fashion, the entire country of France will need to be lifted from the Earth and flown across the Atlantic using Nanton’s very own Lancaster bomber - the only of existing aircraft mighty enough to transport a country and its 61.5 million inhabitants.

The placement of France, though not finalized, is likely to upset neighbouring provinces, which Nanton officials expect to be simply crushed in the twinning endeavour. Residents of BC and Washington State were relieved that Spain and Portugal will not be coming too. Nanton’s Lancaster bomber currently only has two of its four engines in working order, therefore the payload was limited to just France.

AND, IN OTHER SEMI-FICTIONAL NEWS:

NANTON’S MCIVOR PUTS ON WORLD-CLASS FIREWORKS PERFORMANCE USING ONLY A PAPER CLIP, GUM WRAPPER, TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE, HIS SWISS ARMY KNIFE AND SEVERAL DOZEN OLD BIRTHDAY CANDLES.

By: Peter J. Worden.

Who’s responsible for timeliness at this shipwreck of a newspaper, anyway? Nanton Days, as you may have well noticed, happened several weeks ago. August 1 in fact. Now it’s nearly winter. This is truly the great thing about fictional news.

Sure, in the real Nanton pancakes are flipped and rubber ducks floated on only one day of the year. But in the Nanton Experiment’s Nanton, everyday is Nanton Day. So may I now wish many happy Nanton Days to you, good sir or madam (as the case may be) and a happy 364 belated Nanton Days to you as well.

McIvor, a local special agent in the government’s top secret Department of Fireworks, was once again expected to give Nanton his famed fireworks show; one for the books – or at the very least, this semi-fictional miniature newspaper.

McIvor laughs in the face of evil. (So do I, but he does it in a way that makes money.)

McIvor’s launch pad was all set to go when, at the last minute, he was thwarted by a crazed Torontonian with a Blackberry and a plot to commandeer Nanton’s celebratory fireworks show and use it to blow up the downtown Nanton News office.

ENTER: McIvor (Read in gruff and wispy voice. Also, cue synthesized music.)

EXTERIOR: It’s late Sunday night and the sun has just fallen behind the foothills. McIvor busily prepares the best damn fireworks show southern Alberta has ever seen. That’s when he hears a deep and ominous grumble from behind him.

“Hello, McIvor.”

(McIvor turns to face the shadowy voice.)

McIvor: Well, well. Dr. Munsedia. So. We meet again.

Dr. Munsedia: Don’t move.

McIvor freezes.

Dr. Munsedia: I don’t have a gun or any weapons on me, McIvor, but I do have the power of litigation and billions and billions of dollars in legal assets that could cripple you for the rest of your days. Take this rope and tie yourself up.

With that Dr. Munsedia easily convinces McIvor into tying himself up in a chair and proceeds to aim McIvor’s fireworks pad at the Nanton News office.

EXTERIOR: The happy crowd of Nantonian partygoers anxiously awaits McIvor’s grand spectacle. Meanwhile, McIvor’s years in special ops training at the Department of Fireworks kick in ...

McIvor: Hey, Munsedia - I’ve got some news for you!

FIGHT SCENE: McIvor busts through the tangle of ropes - which is really quite silly ‘cause he’s the one who tied himself up in the first place - and using a paperclip and an old tube of toothpaste McIvor cleverly pokes Dr. Munsedia in the eye and douses him with a shot of toothpaste. Munsedia, blinded and dumbfounded, stumbles forward so McIvor kicks him in the ass on to a pile of fireworks.

McIvor: Munsedia, you’re fired!

EXTERIOR: Dr. Munsedia is shot mile-high with a tonne of fireworks. The town of Nanton claps as they watch the fireworks show.

THE END