INSERT HEADLINE HERE.
Just when you thought news these days couldn’t get any more frightening – this! Nanton’s abandoned news office haunted by Headline-less Horseman. In the Experiment’s Halloween Special...
HAUNTED NEWSROOMS!
TRANSMOGRIFED KIDS CANDY!!
SCOURGE OF HELLISH MUTANT BEETLES!!!
BLATANT OVERUSE OF EXCLAMATION MARKS
TO EXCITE READERS!!!!
SCARY A** S**T
OLD NANTON NEWS OFFICE HAUNTED
Reports have it the abandoned Nanton News office, is visited by the spirits of newpapers past. The office is said to be haunted by the Headline-less Horseman, which really, is rather ridiculous and as I write this, not all that scary.
AND IN OTHER SCARY A** S**T ...
MOUNTAIN PINE BEETLE APPEARS TO HAVE TASTE FOR FLESH OF THOSE WITH “WOODY” NAMES.
Above, an artist’s rendition of the car-sized big beetle famous people-eater and what it is capable of, in this case, sucking the brains out of innocent recreational-type folk. While not perfectly to scale, the car-sized big beetle famous people eater gets it scientific name for being roughly car-sized
By: Peter Bloody Worden
Ranked third-scariest plague-related item in North American news (after H1N1 Swine Flu and So You Think You Can Dance) the mountain pine beetle is striking fear into the hearts of Foothills people, giving all sorts of new reasons to panic this Halloween.
After years of feasting on pine trees unencumbered by relatively mild winter weather, some beetles are reported to have grown as large as Volkswagon Beetles (interestingly enough). Insectologists say these giant mutant beetles are bored of their pine diets and now prefer the taste of human flesh, especially those with wood-like names such as Tiger Woods, Margaret Atwood and Woody Allen. This new discovery has led insectologists to rename the mutant beetle, officially: the car-sized big beetle famous people-eater.
SCANDAL!
CHOCOLATE BAR COMPANIES SOUGHT “SMALLIFICATION” FIRM TO SMALLIFY PRODUCT
No, you haven’t just gotten bigger, well you probably have, but chocolate bars at Halloween have also gotten smaller.
It is no surprise chocolate bars are smaller today than back in the good ol’ days. How do I know this? – I can’t believe this is going on record – I have candy stashed from 1992.
What is new, however, is that until now no one bothered to investigate (and by ‘investigate’ I mean fictionalize) who was behind the smallification of trick-or-treating delights.
Turns out, an obscure firm specializing in smallification tactics has consulted for several years with mini-chocolate bar manufacturers in order to lend the appearance of quantity and thusly increase profit. It was also uncovered some of the smallification firm’s other clientele include makers of TV dinners, airplane seat manufacturers and countless restaurants serving nominal pints of beer. Readers of the Experiment – the ‘fifth-and-a-quarter estate’ – you’re welcome!
Above, wholesome Oktoberfestivities this month at the Auditorium Hotel: Washboard Hank and Lance. Photo by Kye Woodall. PS. Ms. Woodall, it’s my civic duty to warn you on account of your surname about this new pine beetle. (See pine beetle story above). Be careful.
To get in touch with us at the Experiment newsdesk (and by ‘us’ I mean me, and by ‘newsroom’ I mean the overturned milk crate in my room, write to:
nantonnewsx@live.ca
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