NANTON EXPERIMENT - ISSUE 10

EYESIGHT TESTING EDITION

This and other arbitrary percentages in yet another shameless ploy to garner advertising revenue, BELOW

PETER WORDEN

Like 80 per cent of the articles you read in the Experiment this discovery was made while patronizing the local drinkery.

The Experiment conducted a poll* and found some rather eye-opening (pun, I thank you) news. Roughly 90 per cent of Nantonites are in serious need of glasses. Only 10 per cent of Nantonites are even able to read this miniature newspaper. Considering that 98 per cent of Nantonites already don’t read the Experiment, that leaves me with a current readership of .00001.

If only there were a parlor of some sort in Nanton where one could check his or her opticals. What’s that? There is – it’s called the Optical Parlor? This just in: Everything’s going to be OK. See belowfor free eyeglasses.

*By ‘poll’ we mean guy squinting at the bar and by ‘conducted’ we mean a coaster slid under his chin.

Come in, mention this article and get FREE reading glasses!!

The Optical Parlor

(403) 646-3200

2219 20 St. Nanton

“CATS”IFIED ADS

It’s not normally my place to do so, but this classified ad below here about the cats, has been in the Experiment for I think the past four months.

Now, aside from taking up valuable real estate in this newspaper that’s small enough as is, I know that the woman giving these cats away has developed rather bad allergies. How about giving a stranger the Christmas gift of sneeze-relief this holiday season? Or, if on a budget and at a loss for what to get the kiddies this Christmas, why not these free little guys? The price is right.

FREE! Two little oozykoozyoozagoodkittywittykitty cats, Tigg and Luna (top) need home right meow. Purr-fect Christmas present. Call or write 403 652 0939, jacoba@shaw.ca

WANTED: More people to advertise in classified section of Nanton Experiment. Real or fictional belongings. Must be willing to pay $10 or buy editor beer at bar. Call 403 870 8554 or write to nantonnewsX@live.ca

THE RANTIN’ NANTON

The Rantin’ Nanton is a forum dedicated to the airing of public grievances regardless of how much one has had to drink. This following letter isn’t a rant per se but it does have to do with me tooting my own horn, so the clip art still works.

Send your rantin’ or tootin’ to NANTONNEWSX@LIVE.CA

Hello Peter, I’m dropping you this line to encourage your efforts with my little “rant”. I was driving through Nanton Nov 3, 2009, and given certain bodily indicators I identified the need to conduct a pit stop. In a little Italian joint I found myself enjoying the most warm and tasty meal I’ve had in ages. Beaten down and exhausted from two days of business meetings, this little oasis was exactly what this Ontarian needed. I happened across your Experiment; puzzled at first, I continued to read and by the end had become a huge fan. I took that copy and have shared it with my family and friends back here in the “armpit of Canada”, it has made its way into the halls of U of T and to my offices in Mississauga, finally settling in the most prominent of locations.

I would be quite happy to throw a few bucks your way, but only if you promise to mail me my copy on a semi-regular basis as I have removed all the “crap” reading from my bathroom (Time, Maclean’s, Financial Post) and replaced it with your little gem; so the responsibility of refreshing reading now rests with you.

Sherra Zulerons

Mississauga, ON

**The Experiment reserves the right to edit for clarity, brevity and legality, oh who am I kidding I’ll publish anything at this point. **

SPOT 10 DIFFERENCES IN THESE TWO PICTURES:

Sir Augustus M. Nanton, a top lad he, out for a stroll with his beloved .... Brownie the Horse. Find 10 differences as a pub game with friends, or if you need a better excuse to waste time, as a complimentary eye exam, courtesy of the Experiment and the Optical Parlor. Answers at end of post. No peaking!

YOUR NEXT X ...

In the following issue of this semi-fictional news:

“NANTON” WATER ACTUALLY FROM CRANBROOK.

(That’s right, we is blowing this thing wiiide open.)

Sure it’s delicious, but that endless Fountain of Youth we thought was aquifering right under our own collective ass, the Experiment has uncovered, does not, in fact, exist at all. Irrigation genius and town namesake Augustus M. Nanton must be rolling in his grave ... Stay tuned.

Changes in Spot the Difference: (1) Augustus has acquired a case of Bud Lime – that is just silly, where would he even get that? (2) his horse has pooped (3) the pathway is longer (4) paint on Brownie the Horse is gone (5) boot is missing (6) horse has an extra reign (7) Augustus’ tie is missing (8) his left ear is shown (9) horse’s hair has grown (10) there is more forest in background.