ISSUE 12 - OLYMPIC EDITION

NOBODY FROM NANTON TO RUN OLYMPIC TORCH

THIS PAPER GETS INTERVIEW WITH NOBODY.

An Experiment EXCLUSIVE

By: Peter J. Worden

This Editor has it on good information that Nobody from town was chosen to run the Olympic torch when it comes to town Monday, January 18.

From a semi-fictional newspaper’s perspective, this is the sort of story that I look forward to. I have literally been conducting interviews with nobody for months. It feels good that I can officially interview Nobody for a story for once.

I caught up with Nobody late last night for this interview.

“I’m really excited to have been chosen to run the torch,” said Nobody, from Nanton. “It really makes me feel like somebody.”

The rigid screening process for Olympic torch bearers is such that Nobody’s perfect. And from the looks of it, Nobody really wanted to run the torch. Also, Nobody told this Editor he looked incredibly handsome and loved his miniature newspaper. The torch route winds from Stavely to Nanton, entering town at 11:30 a.m. and festivities begin at the Lancaster Museum around noon. Nobody and (somehow also) everybody will be there.

NEW TOWN BY-LAW:

NUMBERS NEEDED ON BACK OF HOME, ROOF, HEAD, PETS, ETC.

By Peter J. Worden

Many a-Nantonite are already familiar with the latest by-law making homeowners post house numbers on the rear-side of their homes. This newspaper insists that we mustn’t just stop there. This feature puts forth several ideas to better serve the community.

1.

Why limit house numbers to the front and back-side of a house – what if the firefighters come by water bomber, helicopter or blimp? How will they know which house fire to put out? House numbers should be placed on the roof and at least six-feet-high, ideally made legible from space.

2.

If you have outdoor pets, in addition to their collar consider shaving your address into their fur. They like it.

3.

As homeowners, write your address somewhere on your body; a wrist or on the forehead. For bald men, consider writing address on back of head. In the instance where you become confused and cannot find your way home, someone can help guide you without too much awkward face-to-face contact.

BONUS: OLYMPIC GAMES EYE GAME!

Lisa Szabon will be doing Nanton (and Canada) proud at the 2010 Olympic games in Vancouver. Yeah. Pretty impressive stuff. Most people say, you know they can’t believe, Nanton we’ve got a bobsled team. No wait. That’s Cool Runnings. Nevermind. See if you can spot the 10 differences in these two pictures. Answers below.

VS.

Changes: (1) Lisa is now wearing a mukluk (2) A ‘Go Lisa!’ flag is waving in the background (3) More snow is spraying (4) The FIBT has been rearranged (5) The Land Rover sign is larger (6) Teammate Heather Moyse is missing a stripe on her suit (7) The logo in the top left is changed (8) The bobsled has two handles (9) There is only one Visa logo on the sled’s front (10) There is an extra shadow in the background.