THE NANTON EXPERIMENT - Special Edition (Isn't every issue?) ...

THIS JUST IN!

THIS MINIATURE NEWSPAPER RECEIVES

FIRST ADVERTISER!

... and a new business celebrates its grand

opening in Nanton. The Nanton Experiment rambles on

facetiously for a page-and-a-half in honour of both milestones.

Lady pigs (maybe) are just one of the things you may (or may not) find at Nanton's newest store.

It’s true!

Some might suggest the only real news story is that Ms. Pam Woodall has opened up a new shop here in Nanton called “Because I Said So”. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first I would like to congratulate Ms. Woodall on her milestone by tooting my own horn. Someone actually placed an ad in the Nanton Experiment! Congratulations, Pam and Me. I wish both of you the greatest of success. (Thank you, thank you.)

As for this new joint called Because I Said So, it’s unfortunate that due to my lack of actual news reporting, I can only speculate what’s actually in store.

Luckily speculation, conjecture and hyperbole are what the editorial department of this miniature newspaper thrives upon. And by editorial department, I mean, the scrunched up napkin in my pocket.

I was in La-La land day-dreaming of great things to come for the Nanton Experiment as Joe Woodall placed the first ad in this here paper, but I recall him saying something about cappucino. So I know, or at least I’m about 95 per cent certain, you can buy a cappucinno at Because I Said So. It’s not a cafe I’m pretty sure, because Pam’s already done that - it’s more of a retail shop.

But what exactly does she sell ...

Well.

It’s called Because I Said So, so I guess from the name - and because I never asked how it was spelled - Pam’s new store might very well offer sewing equipment. Because I Said Sew! Or, if I’m going to deduce such frivolous nonsense, I should probably deduce from the same reasoning that Pam also sells seeds and other sowing equipment (Because I Said Sow!) and by that same flawed rationale, adult female pigs.

And who in the pig trade doesn’t also sell bacon and other pork products? I imagine there’s a pig pen of some sort to keep the pigs away from all the sewing equipment ... and if Pam went through all the trouble of building a pig pen she probably offers a petting zoo too.

So, that should give you a pretty good idea of what you can expect at Nanton’s newest store: Because I Said So/Sew/Sow. Stop in this weekend and get your pig supplies. While you’re there, you’ll probably need to pick up some sewing equipment too because pigs like to chew clothing.

Congrats, Pam!

And in other semi-fictional news:

LOCAL POST OFFICE STAMPS OUT CRIME

BURGLAR GOES POSTAL - NANTON DELIVERS JUSTICE

THIS PAPER – NOW COMPLETELY OUT OF POSTAGE PUNS.

By: Peter J. Worden

The only sure things in life are death, taxes, that the price of stamps will increase and that the Nanton Experiment will have some smartass remark on a rather serious local crime.

To the two latter of these life certainties it should be noted that the real criminal in the Great Nanton Post Office Robbery of 2000-aught-nine is Canada Post itself. Why, with their sly bi-yearly stamp price increases of a penny or two it’s no wonder someone would resort to petty thievery.

The victim in this case, clearly, is the poor sap so destitute from the rising cost of stamps and desperate to do some obviously very important mailing he willingly entered himself in a midnight heist and bravely risked jail time. And now, to boot, as sure as the sun setting over the foothills, the cost of stamps will rise so quickly that the accumulation of stamps this poor man worked hard to steal will be out-of-date in a month and collector’s items in a year.

How will he not be caught red-handed when mailing letters with one $.52 stamp and 29 additional $.01 stamps tacked on?