MY REVISED CONDITIONS

Aha Sun Media – it appears the shoe is on the other foot! Or at least now we’re both shoeless …

 

It’s been brought to my attention the Nanton News is again looking for a new editor (http://jeffgaulin.com/jobs/JobDetails.asp?id=6425).

 

When vying for the position as Nanton News editor but a short time ago, I made my only stipulation that the moribund Nanton News office had to remain open. I went so far as to even suggest paying the rent and inhabiting the news office myself. Sleep in, work in my underwear – how bad could it be? Not gonna happen I was told. When Sun Media’s foot comes down, it comes down harder than 2009 stocks. Zing! Everyone will work from home – no ifs, ands, buts, come’ons, pretty pleases or ‘even if I promise to put pants on’s’ and especially no other such outrageous stipulations.

Well Sun Media now that you appear in a bind, these are my revised conditions:

1. The Nanton News office stays open. End of story.

2. I want a non-fat, easy-foam latte delivered to me free of charge every morning by a pony.

3. I want a pony. (This pony will be for my personal conveyance around town. Not, I repeat NOT my coffee pony.)

4. Next, I want belly-dancers. All-day belly-dancers. EXCEPT for when I'm trying to eat lunch and when I’m in the bathroom. They must casually accept me if and when I do both.

5. I want, no questions asked, a computer that talks to me in the sultry voice of Cuddy from House. 

6. I want scratch n’ sniff bylines. Dibs on grape.

7. A lava lamp for my desk made with real lava.

8.  Phone line to God. (Always good for a quote.)

9. Freshly baked gnocchi from the Wild Thyme Café for myself and my harem of hungry dancers.

10. The Nanton News office roof to be punctured with 240 holes so I can enjoy a relaxing game of oversized cribbage and lightly imbibe on sunny days.

Ball’s in your court, Mr. and Mrs. Evil Corporation. I shall await your call.