EXPERIMENT ISSUE No. 17

Finally!—a sweet and drinkable gin at a sweet and swallowable cost (about $50 a bottle).

In other headlines:

Study: Gin-drinking increases fictional news fabrication by 50 per cent—no, 150 per cent!

Recent poll finds gin officially the new drink of Christmas—and while we’re at it, juniper the new poinsettia and space-filling headlines with no real news content the new standard of journalism. (By ‘poll’ of course I mean, me, and by recent, I mean, this instant.) Frankly, I think the poinsettia has had it pret-ty good the past few centuries. So has eggnog. x 

EXPERIMENT ISSUE No. 16

EXCLUSIVE ELECTION 2010 COVERAGE:

LOCAL MARE RUNS FOR MAYOR

New political era in the offing as first black horse enters politics.

It rarely happens in politics that a dark horse candidate emerges who is, in fact, a dark horse. Such is the case with She’s So Political, a 20-year-old thoroughbred mare 15—2 hands high from Nanton. As a last-minute surprise entry She’s So Political is turning heads and making miniature newspapers everywhere...well, mostly just in Nanton, I guess.

This isn’t the first time a horse has been on the ballot in Canada (CBC’s This is That reported July 24, 2010 on a PEI town that elected a horse as Mayor) but She’s So Political would be the first black horse in Canadian history to be Mayor.

Candidate’s Chart:

As a filly She’s So Political graduated 4-H school with a major in grooming. She dabbled in barrel racing and equestrian sport before gaining significant notability with an upstart non-profit breeding program ‘Make Love, Not Glue,’ an advocacy organization founded for lame horses.

Thus began She’s So Political’s foray into politics. She quickly became known among horse circles for her mule-like stubbornness to absolutely everything; voting ‘nay’ a record 3,043 times on town plebicites—a major flaw, as opponents simply ask questions in the negative.

“She looked at me seriously then after a moment said: Murrrrrgghhhhppphhhh.”

An example last year was She’s So Political’s appeal to Nanton Town Council to rule local merchants’ ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service’ policy a contravention of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. It was argued there are horses that can neither shoe themselves nor find a large enough t-shirt.

When put to a vote, the question was formed in the negative (ie. “Should the ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’ policy not be enforced in Nanton?”) to which She’s So Political voted nay and promptly defeated her own bill.

Place Your Bets:

While a false favourite for political elections, horses in fact make great politicians, says one local equine expert.

“Ask anyone in politics and they’ll tell you, you need to be quick on your feet, not get spooked easily and have a tough skin. Horses are perfect for politics, provided they wear blinders.”

It could prove to be a true Cinderella story for She’s So Political. Raised on a modest diet of oats and hay she excelled in every competition placed by her owner, who said he wondered why a political race would be any different.

“I said to her, ‘Have you ever thought about throwing your shoe in the ring for Mayor?’ (because see, horses don’t wear hats). And she looked at me seriously and after a moment said, ‘Murrrrrgghhhhppphhhh.’ That’s when I knew we had something special.” x

Remember—

The election in Nanton and around

Alberta takes place

Monday Oct 18, 2010.

EXPERIMENT ISSUE No. 15

PETITION ADMISSIBLE!

Town Council clarifies position on petition to share costs of sewer: Petition is admissible—admissible right in the toilet. STORY BELOW.

By: Peter Worden

It looks like the first test of the town’s newest sewer system will be Pam Woodall’s petition.

In what’s becoming known in miniature newspaper circles as “the Great Nanton Sewer Debacle of 20-aught-10”, a petition collected with the correct number of signatures and by the correct time was ruled fully admissible in Town Council toilets.

The petition asked Council to repeal a bylaw, which by now we’re all probably familiar with–but if not–essentially, imposes taxes solely on owners of property along 21 Street for a sewer upgrade. The only thing worse than having your street-front mangled and under construction for half the year is being directly on the hook for 15 per cent of the cost. With the total project at nearly $3 million, 39 landowners will be collectively responsible for about $147,000.

Originally Mayor John Blake ruled the latest petition inadmissible. However, upon conferring with the Municipal Government Act (MGA), it was in fact found admissible, but a caveat exists under Section 347 stating where to it is admissible.

Since most don’t read this newspaper you may have missed the philosophic genius of writer John Gardner in the Experiment’s May 22 edition. It was he who said: “The society which scorns plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy; neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.”

Woodall (also widely known in miniature newspaper circles) says basically the same. Her petition saw 225 signatures (it needed 212.5, 10 per cent, to be valid) however she was told by Mayor and Town Council Jun 7 it was inadmissible under the MGA’s guidelines for what can and cannot be petitioned (which would have been nice to know before she got all the signatures.)

However, the Nanton Experiment has found some further fine print in the MGA’s guidelines, which state the petition is admissible when–as the fine print dictates–used in accordance with toilet paper and flushed down the toilet. This being the second petition discredited by fine print, the next step is to petition the Municipal Affairs Minister with twice as many eligible residents, 20 per cent, so that a reason can quickly be conjured up to admit the petition down the closest toilet bowl.

Democratic ideals are at stake here. What are new pipes and plumbing without sound democratic principle behind them? In a Letter to the Editor of the Nanton News (of which this paper derives 90 per cent of its content) Woodall lamented: “[i]f this weren’t a family paper, I would have to call b------t.”

Well, Pam. Because this isn’t a family paper I will happily unbowdlerize your frustrations and call it what it is ...

THE GREAT SEWER DEBACLE OF 2010

Your semi-fictional news for May 22, 2010

THE SEWER SCANDAL OF THE CENTURY

By: Peter J. Worden

One day. Many years from now. Your grand kids and grand kids’ grand kids will go to the bathroom, flush, and be grateful that years ago their grandfather’s grandfather and grandmother’s grandmother didn’t take any s-h-i-... (continued below..)

An artist’s depiction of ... what we’re not too sure. A sewer exploding, it looks. With toilets and a mushroom cloud and... You know? We ask the art-guy here for an illustration that depicts town outrage over the sewer scandal of the century and he draws this. Unbelievable. This is the problem with unions.

(continued from above..)

t from anybody.

A governing body – municipal, provincial, federal, global, or god help us all, intergalactical – must be questioned often about its decisions.

As it stands, a new sewer line on Nanton’s 21 Street will cost store and property owners on that street $148,000, or an estimated $180/per metre of frontage. That the sewer upgrade is needed is not the issue. What is, is a philosophic virtue at the very stinky core of democracy.

Sewers are the service of all town’s people, not just to those whose sidewalks it happens to lay beneath. Rain and wastewater flows from residences up-town past the hapless property owners of 21 St. (who must shoulder the sewer’s entire improvement costs) before arriving at a wastewater facility and finally, treated, released into Mosquito Creek.

In the fair society, uptown residents should actually pay a larger percentage because their waste presumably spends more time in the sewer system before arriving at Mosquito Creek, therefore “using” it more. As it stands then, having residents of 21 St pay the entire cost is quite backward. But it is not only unjust. The goal of democracy being at its core to strive for justice, to not speak out makes the sewer debacle undemocratic, too.

I am reminded of the writer John Gardner, who said: “The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy; neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.” It will be a dark, stinky day in Nanton indeed when citizens decide not to give a damn, not just for their sewers, but for the municipal democracy that puts those sewers in place and pays for them.

Your grand kids and their grand kids in the future will recount the history of the Great Sewer Debacle of 2010, (or 20-aught-10 as I imagine people say in the future) and applaud not just the fine plumbing their town has but the philosophies behind them as well.

The Rantin’ Nanton is a forum dedicated to the airing of public grievances regardless of how much one has had to drink. I figure since the majority of grievances are aired to me anyway, it was right to provide a spot for this particular debacle. You can leave comments here, on this page or send your rantin’ to NANTONNEWSX@LIVE.CA

3 TIPS TO HELP SETTLE THE GREAT SEWER DEBACLE

ONCE. AND FOR. ALL.

Below are tips –two ridiculous, one serious– on how to have a town where, to paraphrase, ‘the pipes AND philosophies hold water.’

TIP # 1. Use your garden hose for everything. Everything. It’s humanity’s all-in-one water-dispensing device, the hose – a shower head, dishwasher, bidet and sprinkler-system all in one. Requires zero sewers, just an open mind. And understanding neighbours.

TIP # 2. For those who cherish going to the bathroom indoors, but still wish to by-pass the sewer system, how about organizing a bucket-system with like-minded neighbours? (Sort of like the bucket scene in the Little Rascals when they have to put out a fire. Like that. But all the way to the wastewater treatment plant.)

TIP # 3. SIGN THE TOWN PETITION.

If you:

(i) Are 18+;

(ii) Have lived in Nanton for at least 6 months;

(iii) Believe sewer upgrades (regardless of what street they lay beneath) are the service of the whole town and therefore should be paid by the whole town’s taxes as a standard maintenance upgrade;

(iv) Have gone to the bathroom in Nanton in the past 40 years;

Then!

Sign the petition. 10 per cent of the town’s population is needed (213 signatures in all) to force a plebiscite next election on the Great Sewer Debacle of 20-aught-10.

You can sign at the Auditorium Hotel, Because I Said So, GCS Auto and Willowcrest Forge.

The TOOTING MY OWN HORN SECTION

CBC COMING TO NANTON!

FOLLOWING INTERVIEW BY: PETER J. WORDEN

Correctomongo. The CBC will be visiting Nanton May 22 to see a man about a little story on a little newspaper called the Experiment. Wait a tic, the Experiment? That’s this paper. And May 22? Shnikies, that’s today! Damn these impossible deadlines. How am I supposed to do a promotional story of the paper if it comes out the same day CBC is visiting? Oh right, just make it up as always.

CBC: Hi, thank you for meeting. You look handsome this afternoon.

PETER: Thank you. So where do you want me to sit for this interview? What do I do with my hands?

CBC: Actually, it’s a radio interview so it really doesn’t matter what you do with your hands. In fact, right now, it’s just a print interview. So you can really put your hands wherever you like.

(Resting his hands on his lap.)

PETER: Alrighty then. So what do you think so far?

CBC: About your miniature newspaper? I like it. How long have you been publishing it?

PETER: About exactly a year now. It’s the anniversary issue. Wait who’s interviewing whom here?

CBC: I thought I was coming to Nanton to interview you.

PETER: Right, but I thought I was interviewing you as a preview for coming to Nanton.

CBC: But I’m coming that day. How will you publish an interview with me if I don’t get there until the day the paper publishes? I’m confused.

PETER: I was just going to sort of make things up.

CBC: Okay.

PETER: Okay.

CBC: So can I ask a question then?

PETER: Sure. Shoot.

CBC: I see you like to skirt copyright and slander laws a bit.

PETER: A bit.

CBC: How’s that working for ya?

The Experiment regrets the previous complete waste of your time. For a real interview by a real reporter listen to CBC radio for the feature on Nanton and the Experiment. Type “Nanton Experiment” on Facebook to see details.

EXPERIMENT GETS NEW, (ARGUABLY) IMPROVED DESIGN

By: Peter J. Worden

Local Pundit

Pundits all wrong! (Minus me, of course.) To anyone who says the newspaper is no longer useful – paper maché miniature newspaper boxes. If you want one for your business, write to: nantonnewsx@live.ca Not great outside, BUT can be substituted in a pinch to make pancakes.)

NANTON EXPERIMENT - ISSUE 11

YEAR IN REVIEW.

The scandals and scourges that rocked this small town, plus all the zaniness that made semi-fictional miniature-newspaper headlines everywhere. Well actually, just in Nanton, I guess.

NO NEWS IS BAD NEWS

April 6, 2009

Closure of the Nanton News office

While the 100-year-old Nanton News itself continues to exist, owner Sun Media decides to formally close its downtown office. Applying for the job as Nanton News editor, Peter Worden realizes the inauspicious nature of applying with a company in the midst of cutbacks. His 3,000 word harangue about the importance of the smalltown news in the form of a miniature newspaper is headlined: ‘No News is Bad News’. The Experiment begins.

SUN MEDIA THREATENS LEGAL RESTITUTION UNLESS NEWS EXPERIMENT CHANGES NAME.

June 23, 2009

Sun Media and Experiment exchange words

Citing that the new publication is too “confusingly similar” Sun Media requests what was known as the Nanton News Experiment to change its name to simply the “Experiment”. The ‘X’ obliges.

DOG IN PICKUP HITS PEDESTRIAN

June 13, 2009

Hit-chew-and-run

While Claresholm has a set of traffic lights, Alberta Traffic Services sees no need for them in little ol’ Nanton. Disaster strikes when Roger the German Shepherd hits a pedestrian during Nanton’s famed summer pastime ‘Let Your Dog Do The Drivin’ Day’. Roger claims lights wouldn’t have helped as he is unable to see the colour red.

LOCAL POST OFFICE STAMPS OUT CRIME

July 31, 2009

Delivering justice

After the local post office is broken into, questions are raised about who the true wrong-doers are; vandals or Canada Post for its bi-yearly penny increases on stamps.

May 20, 2009

Wrapping paper stocks boom!

While Sun Media cuts 600 jobs and its weekly newspaper profits wane, the company corners the ‘affordable wrapping paper’ market as well as the boot-drying and kennel-lining industries.

MAN LIVES TO MIRACULOUS AGE OF 180 YEARS OLD – OWES IT ALL TO EATING A BUNWICH-A-DAY.

August 15, 2009

Wonder bread!

The women of the Main Street Café in Nanton, it seems, have magical buns. Their delicious and nutritious “bunwiches” prove just what the doctor ordered. What doctor? Ah, the coolest doctor ever.

NANTON TO TWIN WITH SENANTES, FRANCE!

TOWN COUNCIL TOYS WITH NEW NAME “FRANCETON”

August 15, 2009

Bienvenue, Senantes!

In a real show of solidarity, Nanton takes twinning to a new level physically flying the entire country of France and its inhabitants over the Atlantic to twin the towns of Senantes, France and Nanton, AB. Unfortunately Ontario, Manitoba and Saskatchewan were crushed in the process. Quebec wasn’t that mad at all.

All summer-long, 2009

“Cats”ified ads

One local woman tries to give her cats away free to a good home in the Experiment’s classified section. This editor vows to run the ad until someone takes her cats off her hands. Apparently no one reads this miniature newspaper or takes it seriously because it’s been nye a year now. The Experiment does an exposé on kitty homelessness and finds it’s a recipe for “cat”astrophe, toppling Nanton’s grain towers and such. Please, someone, for Pete’s sake adopt these cats.

Jacoba@shaw.ca

403.652. 0939

“NOT YOUR GRANDMA’s SKATE PARK”

September 26, 2009

Skatepark(s) in Nanton

The raising of funds continues for a local skatepark in Nanton, which organizer Karen Shaw calls ‘not your grandma’s skatepark.’ This sparks the debate: Why isn’t there a skatepark for seniors in Nanton? Funding is ongoing for the skatepark due to break ground next spring. Ground breaking for seniors skatepark estimated 2015.

DANIELLE SMITH CALLS ME *ME!* THE ‘COLBERT OF NANTON’

September 26, 2009

Experiment comes close to actual reporting

By far the year’s biggest story, Alberta Wildrose Alliance leader Danielle Smith referred to this editor as “sort of like the Colbert of Nanton” and touched said editor’s arm. The Experiment editor then blew any chance of asking real questions. But came close. That’s the important thing.

*EDITORS NOTE: The Nanton Experiment considers itself politically wingless and does not endorse the Wildrose Alliance Party. It does, however, endorse wildroses, alliances and parties. All very pleasant things

November 27, 2009

Eye on Nanton

The tiny-printed Experiment teams up with the local Optical Parlor to help strengthen Nanton’s collective eyesight.

2009 AYEAR IN REVIEW.

December 20, 2009

Review issue raises questions of competence.

The Experiment’s estimated readership of 3.5 are incensed by the highly repetitive nature of this year-end issue. The highly repetitive nature of this year-end issue. Repetitive nature.