A Worden Edgewise

EXPERIMENT ISSUE No. 17

2010-12-21T22:25:00.004-07:00

(cont’d from front with two fingers on ice.)

FIRST, NEED GIN

Experiment in gin finds the making of is often in the balance of madness and genius.

By: Peter Worden

The Nanton [Gin] Experiment this week, is,—exactly as one would come to expect from this good-time of a mini paper—an actual experiment in the drinking of gin; particularly, the aspect of which pertains to the writing of said mini-paper. Not to be confused with an experiment in the abuse of drinking, or to drink the whole bottle for example, but merely to write the newspaper in one go while concurrently imbibing properly.

It’s at this time I would like to remind the reader it is often madness through which comes genius—often, too, the other way around, mind you.

But it seems at least to be the case of Mr. Kimmerly and fellow proprietor, Dr. Naz Abdurahman, from whom the crossover of madness to genius was surley made with this gin.

Allow me to explain:

One of the few questions of actual journalism I posed to Peter, was inquiring as to the astringency of gin. I learned there is a compound in the juniper plant called alpha-Pinene, related to none other than pure, burning turpentine. But it was the idea of Mr. Kimmerly and fellow gin-maker, Dr. Abdurahman, a professor of Organic Chemistry, to end this madness and remove some of the worst parts of gin and put in some much better parts instead. It’s actually incredible nobody thought to make gin taste better before when they were inventing it (better late than never?) Finally!—a sweet and drinkable gin at a sweet and swallowable cost (about $50 a bottle).

I have now finished the requisite amount of writing needed to fill space for this week’s/month’s/year’s edition. I’ve decided to forgo the subliminalization of text, (due to space constraints) and so shall close by bidding you all a fine, very merry Chrginmas. Merry Chrginmas, Kimmerly’s and Hornby Is. Merry Chrginmas, Nanton. x

In other headlines:

Study: Gin-drinking increases fictional news fabrication by 50 per cent—no, 150 per cent!

In other headlines:

Recent poll finds gin

officially the new drink of Christmas—

and while we’re at it, juniper the new

poinsettia; Hornby Is. the new North Pole

and space-filling

headlines with no real news content the new standard of journalism. (By ‘poll’ of course I mean, me, and by recent, I mean, this instant.)

Frankly, I think the poinsettia has had it pret-ty good the past few

centuries.
So has eggnog. x

In other headlines:
Woof biased in dog and

cat debate
We all know cats and dogs fight—it’s why we describe those of whom are naturally and violently opposed to one another as “fighting like cats and dogs.” (Am I wrong?)

So it is natural then that a local cat who should fall into the backyard of two dogs be attacked. And it follows that no charge of “aggression” nor blame may be ascribed to either the dogs nor their owner.

However.

George Woof, the director of emergency management who was asked by Nanton Town Council for direction of bylaw interpretation in the case of Cat V. Dog, is, in the opinion of the Nanton [Gin] Experiment, wholly and offensively biased in the matter (for obvious reasons) and the cat—the victim, as I’m sure we can all agree—should recieve prompt and adequate council right meow. x

In other headlines:
Nanton News
office reopens —

Experiment’s railing

thus objectless; continues running

overly-long, rambling headlines about nothing much in particular.

The Nanton News has reopened a news office in the town of Nanton, and good on them. The Nanton Experiment, which begun in shame-inducing opposition to Sun Media’s decision, now has very little to rail about, however, as a consequence. And perhaps all for the better. I can now focus my energies on Christmas-edition Experiments to do with the drinking of gin and the fabricating of news to do with gin. x

EXPERIMENT ISSUE No. 16

2010-12-21T22:04:00.009-07:00

EXCLUSIVE ELECTION 2010 COVERAGE:

LOCAL MARE RUNS FOR MAYOR

New political era in the offing as first black horse enters politics.

It rarely happens in politics that a dark horse candidate emerges who is, in fact, a dark horse. Such is the case with She’s So Political, a 20-year-old thoroughbred mare 15—2 hands high from Nanton. As a last-minute surprise entry She’s So Political is turning heads and making miniature newspapers everywhere...well, mostly just in Nanton, I guess.

This isn’t the first time a horse has been on the ballot in Canada (CBC’s This is That reported July 24, 2010 on a PEI town that elected a horse as Mayor) but She’s So Political would be the first black horse in Canadian history to be Mayor.

Candidate’s Chart:

As a filly She’s So Political graduated 4-H school with a major in grooming. She dabbled in barrel racing and equestrian sport before gaining significant notability with an upstart non-profit breeding program ‘Make Love, Not Glue,’ an advocacy organization founded for lame horses.

Thus began She’s So Political’s foray into politics. She quickly became known among horse circles for her mule-like stubbornness to absolutely everything; voting ‘nay’ a record 3,043 times on town plebicites—a major flaw, as opponents simply ask questions in the negative.

“She looked at me seriously then after a moment said: Murrrrrgghhhhppphhhh.”

An example last year was She’s So Political’s appeal to Nanton Town Council to rule local merchants’ ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service’ policy a contravention of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. It was argued there are horses that can neither shoe themselves nor find a large enough t-shirt.

When put to a vote, the question was formed in the negative (ie. “Should the ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’ policy not be enforced in Nanton?”) to which She’s So Political voted nay and promptly defeated her own bill.

Place Your Bets:

While a false favourite for political elections, horses in fact make great politicians, says one local equine expert.

“Ask anyone in politics and they’ll tell you, you need to be quick on your feet, not get spooked easily and have a tough skin. Horses are perfect for politics, provided they wear blinders.”

It could prove to be a true Cinderella story for She’s So Political. Raised on a modest diet of oats and hay she excelled in every competition placed by her owner, who said he wondered why a political race would be any different.

“I said to her, ‘Have you ever thought about throwing your shoe in the ring for Mayor?’ (because see, horses don’t wear hats). And she looked at me seriously and after a moment said, ‘Murrrrrgghhhhppphhhh.’ That’s when I knew we had something special.” x

Remember—

The election in Nanton and around

Alberta takes place

Monday Oct 18, 2010.

EXPERIMENT ISSUE No. 15

2010-12-21T21:45:00.007-07:00

PETITION ADMISSIBLE!

Town Council clarifies position on petition to share costs of sewer: Petition is admissible—admissible in the toilet. STORY BELOW.

By: Peter Worden

It looks like the first test of the town’s newest sewer system will be Pam Woodall’s petition.

In what’s becoming known in miniature newspaper circles as “the Great Nanton Sewer Debacle of 20-aught-10”, a petition collected with the correct number of signatures and by the correct time was ruled fully admissible in Town Council toilets.

The petition asked Council to repeal a bylaw, which by now we’re all probably familiar with–but if not–essentially, imposes taxes solely on owners of property along 21 Street for a sewer upgrade. The only thing worse than having your street-front mangled and under construction for half the year is being directly on the hook for 15 per cent of the cost. With the total project at nearly $3 million, 39 landowners will be collectively responsible for about $147,000.

Originally Mayor John Blake ruled the latest petition inadmissible. However, upon conferring with the Municipal Government Act (MGA), it was in fact found admissible, but a caveat exists under Section 347 stating where to it is admissible.

Since most don’t read this newspaper you may have missed the philosophic genius of writer John Gardner in the Experiment’s May 22 edition. It was he who said: “The society which scorns plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy; neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.”
Woodall (also widely known in miniature newspaper circles) says basically the same. Her petition saw 225 signatures (it needed 212.5, 10 per cent, to be valid) however she was told by Mayor and Town Council Jun 7 it was inadmissible under the MGA’s guidelines for what can and cannot be petitioned (which would have been nice to know before she got all the signatures.)

However, the Nanton Experiment has found some further fine print in the MGA’s guidelines, which state the petition is admissible when–as the fine print dictates–used in accordance with toilet paper and flushed down the toilet. This being the second petition discredited by fine print, the next step is to petition the Municipal Affairs Minister with twice as many eligible residents, 20 per cent, so that a reason can quickly be conjured up to admit the petition down the closest toilet bowl.

Democratic ideals are at stake here. What are new pipes and plumbing without sound democratic principle behind them? In a Letter to the Editor of the Nanton News (of which this paper derives 90 per cent of its content) Woodall lamented: “[i]f this weren’t a family paper, I would have to call b------t.”

Well, Pam. Because this isn’t a family paper I will happily unbowdlerize your frustrations and call it what it is ...

THE GREAT SEWER DEBACLE OF 2010

2010-05-26T08:52:00.007-06:00

Your semi-fictional news for May 22, 2010

THE SEWER SCANDAL OF THE CENTURY

By: Peter J. Worden

One day. Many years from now. Your grand kids and grand kids’ grand kids will go to the bathroom, flush, and be grateful that years ago their grandfather’s grandfather and grandmother’s grandmother didn’t take any s-h-i-... (continued below..)

An artist’s depiction of ... what we’re not too sure. A sewer exploding, it looks. With toilets and a mushroom cloud and... You know? We ask the art-guy here for an illustration that depicts town outrage over the sewer scandal of the century and he draws this. Unbelievable. This is the problem with unions.

(continued from above..)

t from anybody.

A governing body – municipal, provincial, federal, global, or god help us all, intergalactical – must be questioned often about its decisions.

As it stands, a new sewer line on Nanton’s 21 Street will cost store and property owners on that street $148,000, or an estimated $180/per metre of frontage. That the sewer upgrade is needed is not the issue. What is, is a philosophic virtue at the very stinky core of democracy.

Sewers are the service of all town’s people, not just to those whose sidewalks it happens to lay beneath. Rain and wastewater flows from residences up-town past the hapless property owners of 21 St. (who must shoulder the sewer’s entire improvement costs) before arriving at a wastewater facility and finally, treated, released into Mosquito Creek.

In the fair society, uptown residents should actually pay a larger percentage because their waste presumably spends more time in the sewer system before arriving at Mosquito Creek, therefore “using” it more. As it stands then, having residents of 21 St pay the entire cost is quite backward. But it is not only unjust. The goal of democracy being at its core to strive for justice, to not speak out makes the sewer debacle undemocratic, too.

I am reminded of the writer John Gardner, who said: “The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy; neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.” It will be a dark, stinky day in Nanton indeed when citizens decide not to give a damn, not just for their sewers, but for the municipal democracy that puts those sewers in place and pays for them.

Your grand kids and their grand kids in the future will recount the history of the Great Sewer Debacle of 2010, (or 20-aught-10 as I imagine people say in the future) and applaud not just the fine plumbing their town has but the philosophies behind them as well.

The Rantin’ Nanton is a forum dedicated to the airing of public grievances regardless of how much one has had to drink. I figure since the majority of grievances are aired to me anyway, it was right to provide a spot for this particular debacle. You can leave comments here, on this page or send your rantin’ to NANTONNEWSX@LIVE.CA

3 TIPS TO HELP SETTLE THE GREAT SEWER DEBACLE

ONCE. AND FOR. ALL.

Below are tips –two ridiculous, one serious– on how to have a town where, to paraphrase, ‘the pipes AND philosophies hold water.’

TIP # 1. Use your garden hose for everything. Everything. It’s humanity’s all-in-one water-dispensing device, the hose – a shower head, dishwasher, bidet and sprinkler-system all in one. Requires zero sewers, just an open mind. And understanding neighbours.

TIP # 2. For those who cherish going to the bathroom indoors, but still wish to by-pass the sewer system, how about organizing a bucket-system with like-minded neighbours? (Sort of like the bucket scene in the Little Rascals when they have to put out a fire. Like that. But all the way to the wastewater treatment plant.)

TIP # 3. SIGN THE TOWN PETITION.

If you:

(i) Are 18+;

(ii) Have lived in Nanton for at least 6 months;

(iii) Believe sewer upgrades (regardless of what street they lay beneath) are the service of the whole town and therefore should be paid by the whole town’s taxes as a standard maintenance upgrade;

(iv) Have gone to the bathroom in Nanton in the past 40 years;

Then!

Sign the petition. 10 per cent of the town’s population is needed (213 signatures in all) to force a plebiscite next election on the Great Sewer Debacle of 20-aught-10.

You can sign at the Auditorium Hotel, Because I Said So, GCS Auto and Willowcrest Forge.

The TOOTING MY OWN HORN SECTION

CBC COMING TO NANTON!
FOLLOWING INTERVIEW BY: PETER J. WORDEN

Correctomongo. The CBC will be visiting Nanton May 22 to see a man about a little story on a little newspaper called the Experiment. Wait a tic, the Experiment? That’s this paper. And May 22? Shnikies, that’s today! Damn these impossible deadlines. How am I supposed to do a promotional story of the paper if it comes out the same day CBC is visiting? Oh right, just make it up as always.

CBC: Hi, thank you for meeting. You look handsome this afternoon.

PETER: Thank you. So where do you want me to sit for this interview? What do I do with my hands?

CBC: Actually, it’s a radio interview so it really doesn’t matter what you do with your hands. In fact, right now, it’s just a print interview. So you can really put your hands wherever you like.

(Resting his hands on his lap.)

PETER: Alrighty then. So what do you think so far?

CBC: About your miniature newspaper? I like it. How long have you been publishing it?

PETER: About exactly a year now. It’s the anniversary issue. Wait who’s interviewing whom here?

CBC: I thought I was coming to Nanton to interview you.

PETER: Right, but I thought I was interviewing you as a preview for coming to Nanton.

CBC: But I’m coming that day. How will you publish an interview with me if I don’t get there until the day the paper publishes? I’m confused.

PETER: I was just going to sort of make things up.

CBC: Okay.

PETER: Okay.

CBC: So can I ask a question then?

PETER: Sure. Shoot.

CBC: I see you like to skirt copyright and slander laws a bit.

PETER: A bit.

CBC: How’s that working for ya?

The Experiment regrets the previous complete waste of your time. For a real interview by a real reporter listen to CBC radio for the feature on Nanton and the Experiment. Type “Nanton Experiment” on Facebook to see details.

EXPERIMENT GETS NEW, (ARGUABLY) IMPROVED DESIGN

By: Peter J. Worden
Local Pundit

Pundits all wrong! (Minus me, of course.) To anyone who says the newspaper is no longer useful – paper maché miniature newspaper boxes. If you want one for your business, write to: nantonnewsx@live.ca Not great outside, BUT can be substituted in a pinch to make pancakes.)

2010-02-03T17:59:00.009-07:00

To the many, many, many (and many more manies) loyal readers of the Experiment,

Thank you for following this miniature newspaper of mine.

You know, the banks all said to me: 'Peter, this is crazy pouring money into a miniature newspaper,' but I, I saw the bigger picture. I knew. The REAL money these days was in the miniature newspaper business. And just look at me now. I'm living high on the big, sweaty South American hog and so I'm off to travel through - well you've probably already guessed -South America.

I will be exercising my stock options and considering Latin American acquisitions. Not to bore you with fictional legalese, but essentially it means the newspaper will be on hiatus for the next two months while I acquire several kinds of cervezas.

That will be good news for those of you in the non-fictional news industry, but no doubt terrible, terrible news for the readers who need their fictional fortnightly. For this I apologize. In two months I will return all levity and life to your sorely beaten and otherwise humourless shells of a self, with the latest edition of the Experiment.

Finally, this project/experiment beginning a one-of-kind newspaper in Nanton is ongoing. I appreciate news tips, suggestions, comical remarks and the occasional crude YouTube video or tastefully nude photo sent my way. They can be sent to the blog (here) or to email nantonnewsx@live.ca, and might be featured in the Ex upon my return.

Hasta luego, Experimentinos,

Pedro, Editor.

ISSUE 12 - OLYMPIC EDITION

2010-01-19T23:13:00.020-07:00

NOBODY FROM NANTON TO RUN OLYMPIC TORCH

THIS PAPER GETS INTERVIEW WITH NOBODY.

An Experiment EXCLUSIVE

By: Peter J. Worden

This Editor has it on good information that Nobody from town was chosen to run the Olympic torch when it comes to town Monday, January 18.

From a semi-fictional newspaper’s perspective, this is the sort of story that I look forward to. I have literally been conducting interviews with nobody for months. It feels good that I can officially interview Nobody for a story for once.

I caught up with Nobody late last night for this interview.

“I’m really excited to have been chosen to run the torch,” said Nobody, from Nanton. “It really makes me feel like somebody.”

The rigid screening process for Olympic torch bearers is such that Nobody’s perfect. And from the looks of it, Nobody really wanted to run the torch. Also, Nobody told this Editor he looked incredibly handsome and loved his miniature newspaper. The torch route winds from Stavely to Nanton, entering town at 11:30 a.m. and festivities begin at the Lancaster Museum around noon. Nobody and (somehow also) everybody will be there.

NEW TOWN BY-LAW:

NUMBERS NEEDED ON BACK OF HOME, ROOF, HEAD, PETS, ETC.

By Peter J. Worden

Many a-Nantonite are already familiar with the latest by-law making homeowners post house numbers on the rear-side of their homes. This newspaper insists that we mustn’t just stop there. This feature puts forth several ideas to better serve the community.
1.
Why limit house numbers to the front and back-side of a house – what if the firefighters come by water bomber, helicopter or blimp? How will they know which house fire to put out? House numbers should be placed on the roof and at least six-feet-high, ideally made legible from space.

2.
If you have outdoor pets, in addition to their collar consider shaving your address into their fur. They like it.

3.
As homeowners, write your address somewhere on your body; a wrist or on the forehead. For bald men, consider writing address on back of head. In the instance where you become confused and cannot find your way home, someone can help guide you without too much awkward face-to-face contact.

BONUS: OLYMPIC GAMES EYE GAME!

Lisa Szabon will be doing Nanton (and Canada) proud at the 2010 Olympic games in Vancouver. Yeah. Pretty impressive stuff. Most people say, you know they can’t believe, Nanton we’ve got a bobsled team. No wait. That’s Cool Runnings. Nevermind. See if you can spot the 10 differences in these two pictures. Answers below.

VS.

Changes: (1) Lisa is now wearing a mukluk (2) A ‘Go Lisa!’ flag is waving in the background (3) More snow is spraying (4) The FIBT has been rearranged (5) The Land Rover sign is larger (6) Teammate Heather Moyse is missing a stripe on her suit (7) The logo in the top left is changed (8) The bobsled has two handles (9) There is only one Visa logo on the sled’s front (10) There is an extra shadow in the background.

NANTON EXPERIMENT - ISSUE 11

2009-12-26T12:38:00.027-07:00

YEAR IN REVIEW.

The scandals and scourges that rocked this small town, plus all the zaniness that made semi-fictional miniature-newspaper headlines everywhere. Well actually, just in Nanton, I guess.

NO NEWS IS BAD NEWS

April 6, 2009

Closure of the Nanton News office

While the 100-year-old Nanton News itself continues to exist, owner Sun Media decides to formally close its downtown office. Applying for the job as Nanton News editor, Peter Worden realizes the inauspicious nature of applying with a company in the midst of cutbacks. His 3,000 word harangue about the importance of the smalltown news in the form of a miniature newspaper is headlined: ‘No News is Bad News’. The Experiment begins.

SUN MEDIA THREATENS LEGAL RESTITUTION UNLESS NEWS EXPERIMENT CHANGES NAME.
June 23, 2009

Sun Media and Experiment exchange words

Citing that the new publication is too “confusingly similar” Sun Media requests what was known as the Nanton News Experiment to change its name to simply the “Experiment”. The ‘X’ obliges.

DOG IN PICKUP HITS PEDESTRIAN
June 13, 2009

Hit-chew-and-run

While Claresholm has a set of traffic lights, Alberta Traffic Services sees no need for them in little ol’ Nanton. Disaster strikes when Roger the German Shepherd hits a pedestrian during Nanton’s famed summer pastime ‘Let Your Dog Do The Drivin’ Day’. Roger claims lights wouldn’t have helped as he is unable to see the colour red.

LOCAL POST OFFICE STAMPS OUT CRIME
July 31, 2009
Delivering justice

After the local post office is broken into, questions are raised about who the true wrong-doers are; vandals or Canada Post for its bi-yearly penny increases on stamps.

May 20, 2009

Wrapping paper stocks boom!

While Sun Media cuts 600 jobs and its weekly newspaper profits wane, the company corners the ‘affordable wrapping paper’ market as well as the boot-drying and kennel-lining industries.

MAN LIVES TO MIRACULOUS AGE OF 180 YEARS OLD – OWES IT ALL TO EATING A BUNWICH-A-DAY.

August 15, 2009

Wonder bread!

The women of the Main Street Café in Nanton, it seems, have magical buns. Their delicious and nutritious “bunwiches” prove just what the doctor ordered. What doctor? Ah, the coolest doctor ever.

NANTON TO TWIN WITH SENANTES, FRANCE!
TOWN COUNCIL TOYS WITH NEW NAME “FRANCETON”

August 15, 2009

Bienvenue, Senantes!

In a real show of solidarity, Nanton takes twinning to a new level physically flying the entire country of France and its inhabitants over the Atlantic to twin the towns of Senantes, France and Nanton, AB. Unfortunately Ontario, Manitoba and Saskatchewan were crushed in the process. Quebec wasn’t that mad at all.

All summer-long, 2009

“Cats”ified ads

One local woman tries to give her cats away free to a good home in the Experiment’s classified section. This editor vows to run the ad until someone takes her cats off her hands. Apparently no one reads this miniature newspaper or takes it seriously because it’s been nye a year now. The Experiment does an exposé on kitty homelessness and finds it’s a recipe for “cat”astrophe, toppling Nanton’s grain towers and such. Please, someone, for Pete’s sake adopt these cats.

Jacoba@shaw.ca

403.652. 0939

“NOT YOUR GRANDMA’s SKATE PARK”
September 26, 2009

Skatepark(s) in Nanton

The raising of funds continues for a local skatepark in Nanton, which organizer Karen Shaw calls ‘not your grandma’s skatepark.’ This sparks the debate: Why isn’t there a skatepark for seniors in Nanton? Funding is ongoing for the skatepark due to break ground next spring. Ground breaking for seniors skatepark estimated 2015.

DANIELLE SMITH CALLS ME *ME!* THE ‘COLBERT OF NANTON’

September 26, 2009

Experiment comes close to actual reporting

By far the year’s biggest story, Alberta Wildrose Alliance leader Danielle Smith referred to this editor as “sort of like the Colbert of Nanton” and touched said editor’s arm. The Experiment editor then blew any chance of asking real questions. But came close. That’s the important thing.
*EDITORS NOTE: The Nanton Experiment considers itself politically wingless and does not endorse the Wildrose Alliance Party. It does, however, endorse wildroses, alliances and parties. All very pleasant things

November 27, 2009

Eye on Nanton

The tiny-printed Experiment teams up with the local Optical Parlor to help strengthen Nanton’s collective eyesight.

2009 AYEAR IN REVIEW.

December 20, 2009
Review issue raises questions of competence.

The Experiment’s estimated readership of 3.5 are incensed by the highly repetitive nature of this year-end issue. The highly repetitive nature of this year-end issue. Repetitive nature.

Happy Birthday, Routes!

2009-12-15T20:12:00.002-07:00

Routes Magazine, the hippest, ruralist rural hip lifestyle magazine in the world is one-year-old today. Happy birthday, you cool cats. If you're in Nanton, High River, Okotoks, Black Diamond, Turner Valley or Millarville, you need to read this. Pick one up. The latest issue has a back-page Detour written by yours truly about the Nanton X. Here's hoping I get to see the ripe old age in the publishing world of one, too. Again congrats!

NANTON EXPERIMENT - ISSUE 10

2009-12-15T18:18:00.018-07:00

EYESIGHT TESTING EDITION

This and other arbitrary percentages in yet another shameless ploy to garner advertising revenue, BELOW

PETER WORDEN

Like 80 per cent of the articles you read in the Experiment this discovery was made while patronizing the local drinkery.

The Experiment conducted a poll* and found some rather eye-opening (pun, I thank you) news. Roughly 90 per cent of Nantonites are in serious need of glasses. Only 10 per cent of Nantonites are even able to read this miniature newspaper. Considering that 98 per cent of Nantonites already don’t read the Experiment, that leaves me with a current readership of .00001.

If only there were a parlor of some sort in Nanton where one could check his or her opticals. What’s that? There is – it’s called the Optical Parlor? This just in: Everything’s going to be OK. See belowfor free eyeglasses.

*By ‘poll’ we mean guy squinting at the bar and by ‘conducted’ we mean a coaster slid under his chin.

Come in, mention this article and get FREE reading glasses!!

The Optical Parlor

(403) 646-3200

2219 20 St. Nanton

“CATS”IFIED ADS

It’s not normally my place to do so, but this classified ad below here about the cats, has been in the Experiment for I think the past four months.

Now, aside from taking up valuable real estate in this newspaper that’s small enough as is, I know that the woman giving these cats away has developed rather bad allergies. How about giving a stranger the Christmas gift of sneeze-relief this holiday season? Or, if on a budget and at a loss for what to get the kiddies this Christmas, why not these free little guys? The price is right.

FREE! Two little oozykoozyoozagoodkittywittykitty cats, Tigg and Luna (top) need home right meow. Purr-fect Christmas present. Call or write 403 652 0939, jacoba@shaw.ca

WANTED: More people to advertise in classified section of Nanton Experiment. Real or fictional belongings. Must be willing to pay $10 or buy editor beer at bar. Call 403 870 8554 or write to nantonnewsX@live.ca

THE RANTIN’ NANTON

The Rantin’ Nanton is a forum dedicated to the airing of public grievances regardless of how much one has had to drink. This following letter isn’t a rant per se but it does have to do with me tooting my own horn, so the clip art still works.

Send your rantin’ or tootin’ to NANTONNEWSX@LIVE.CA

Hello Peter, I’m dropping you this line to encourage your efforts with my little “rant”. I was driving through Nanton Nov 3, 2009, and given certain bodily indicators I identified the need to conduct a pit stop. In a little Italian joint I found myself enjoying the most warm and tasty meal I’ve had in ages. Beaten down and exhausted from two days of business meetings, this little oasis was exactly what this Ontarian needed. I happened across your Experiment; puzzled at first, I continued to read and by the end had become a huge fan. I took that copy and have shared it with my family and friends back here in the “armpit of Canada”, it has made its way into the halls of U of T and to my offices in Mississauga, finally settling in the most prominent of locations.

I would be quite happy to throw a few bucks your way, but only if you promise to mail me my copy on a semi-regular basis as I have removed all the “crap” reading from my bathroom (Time, Maclean’s, Financial Post) and replaced it with your little gem; so the responsibility of refreshing reading now rests with you.

Sherra Zulerons

Mississauga, ON

**The Experiment reserves the right to edit for clarity, brevity and legality, oh who am I kidding I’ll publish anything at this point. **

SPOT 10 DIFFERENCES IN THESE TWO PICTURES:
Sir Augustus M. Nanton, a top lad he, out for a stroll with his beloved .... Brownie the Horse. Find 10 differences as a pub game with friends, or if you need a better excuse to waste time, as a complimentary eye exam, courtesy of the Experiment and the Optical Parlor. Answers at end of post. No peaking!

YOUR NEXT X ...

In the following issue of this semi-fictional news:

“NANTON” WATER ACTUALLY FROM CRANBROOK.

(That’s right, we is blowing this thing wiiide open.)

Sure it’s delicious, but that endless Fountain of Youth we thought was aquifering right under our own collective ass, the Experiment has uncovered, does not, in fact, exist at all. Irrigation genius and town namesake Augustus M. Nanton must be rolling in his grave ... Stay tuned.

Changes in Spot the Difference: (1) Augustus has acquired a case of Bud Lime – that is just silly, where would he even get that? (2) his horse has pooped (3) the pathway is longer (4) paint on Brownie the Horse is gone (5) boot is missing (6) horse has an extra reign (7) Augustus’ tie is missing (8) his left ear is shown (9) horse’s hair has grown (10) there is more forest in background.

SPECIAL HALLOWEEN EDITION

2009-11-01T20:55:00.010-07:00

INSERT HEADLINE HERE.

Just when you thought news these days couldn’t get any more frightening – this! Nanton’s abandoned news office haunted by Headline-less Horseman. In the Experiment’s Halloween Special...

HAUNTED NEWSROOMS!

TRANSMOGRIFED KIDS CANDY!!

SCOURGE OF HELLISH MUTANT BEETLES!!!

BLATANT OVERUSE OF EXCLAMATION MARKS

TO EXCITE READERS!!!!

SCARY A** S**T

OLD NANTON NEWS OFFICE HAUNTED

Reports have it the abandoned Nanton News office, is visited by the spirits of newpapers past. The office is said to be haunted by the Headline-less Horseman, which really, is rather ridiculous and as I write this, not all that scary.

AND IN OTHER SCARY A** S**T ...

MOUNTAIN PINE BEETLE APPEARS TO HAVE TASTE FOR FLESH OF THOSE WITH “WOODY” NAMES.

Above, an artist’s rendition of the car-sized big beetle famous people-eater and what it is capable of, in this case, sucking the brains out of innocent recreational-type folk. While not perfectly to scale, the car-sized big beetle famous people eater gets it scientific name for being roughly car-sized

By: Peter Bloody Worden

Ranked third-scariest plague-related item in North American news (after H1N1 Swine Flu and So You Think You Can Dance) the mountain pine beetle is striking fear into the hearts of Foothills people, giving all sorts of new reasons to panic this Halloween.

After years of feasting on pine trees unencumbered by relatively mild winter weather, some beetles are reported to have grown as large as Volkswagon Beetles (interestingly enough). Insectologists say these giant mutant beetles are bored of their pine diets and now prefer the taste of human flesh, especially those with wood-like names such as Tiger Woods, Margaret Atwood and Woody Allen. This new discovery has led insectologists to rename the mutant beetle, officially: the car-sized big beetle famous people-eater.

SCANDAL!

CHOCOLATE BAR COMPANIES SOUGHT “SMALLIFICATION” FIRM TO SMALLIFY PRODUCT

No, you haven’t just gotten bigger, well you probably have, but chocolate bars at Halloween have also gotten smaller.

It is no surprise chocolate bars are smaller today than back in the good ol’ days. How do I know this? – I can’t believe this is going on record – I have candy stashed from 1992.

What is new, however, is that until now no one bothered to investigate (and by ‘investigate’ I mean fictionalize) who was behind the smallification of trick-or-treating delights.

Turns out, an obscure firm specializing in smallification tactics has consulted for several years with mini-chocolate bar manufacturers in order to lend the appearance of quantity and thusly increase profit. It was also uncovered some of the smallification firm’s other clientele include makers of TV dinners, airplane seat manufacturers and countless restaurants serving nominal pints of beer. Readers of the Experiment – the ‘fifth-and-a-quarter estate’ – you’re welcome!

Above, wholesome Oktoberfestivities this month at the Auditorium Hotel: Washboard Hank and Lance. Photo by Kye Woodall. PS. Ms. Woodall, it’s my civic duty to warn you on account of your surname about this new pine beetle. (See pine beetle story above). Be careful.

To get in touch with us at the Experiment newsdesk (and by ‘us’ I mean me, and by ‘newsroom’ I mean the overturned milk crate in my room, write to:

nantonnewsx@live.ca

NANTON EXPERIMENT Issue 8

2009-10-01T11:45:00.010-06:00

SK8 P

(ark) EDITION

NANTON SKATEPARK TO PUT SEVERAL OTHER CITIES TO SHAME

Claresholm, Cochrane, Calgary, eat your heart out.

____________________________________________________

“NOT YOUR GRANDMA’s SKATE PARK”

Come to think of it, a seniors’ skateboard park might not be such a bad idea... Hey – who’s with me!

____________________________________________________

By: Peter J. Worden

The raising of funds has begun for a premier skate park here in Nanton; one specially designed by a world-class Canadian company and with special “quiet” cement.

“It’s not your grandma’s skatepark,” said Karen Shaw, skate park maker-happener.

Up to this point, the lion’s share of funding has come from the Lions of Nanton – get it, lion’s share? – annnyway, Shaw is organizing a Build-a-Skate-Park Hoedown and Hootenanny, Saturday Sep 26 at the Community Hall.

With band, libations and two auctions (one quiet, one loud as hell) the fine organizers of this venture hope to raise at least $15,000.

If more money happens to be raised, I put it forth that we should look at building a skatepark for grandma’s, as it seems abundantly clear they will not be welcome here.

DANIELLE SMITH CALLS ME *ME!*
THE ‘COLBERT OF NANTON

Auspicious moment blown by over-flattered Experiment editor

By: Peter J. Worden

It’s true, sad but true. Both the Colbert thing and the thing about blowing the interview.

Last week, Sep 16 the Experiment attended the Wildrose Alliance Party leadership debate and actually, believe it or not, brought a recorder. In fact, that’s the real news story. Let’s start this article over. (See: Experiment comes close to doing actual reporting, below.)

EXPERIMENT COMES CLOSE TO DOING REAL JOURNALISM

Right, so where were we?

Oh yes, Danielle Smith, political phenom and future leader of Alberta’s Wildrose Alliance Party (you read it here folks, Experiment calls it) and I were chatting after the debate. She said, I was, “sort of like the ‘Colbert of Nanton.”

I’ve heard many nouns affixed to ‘of Nanton’ before. (For example, “that ‘miniature newspaper guy of Nanton,” or “that drunk, disheveled journalist of Nanton” or “the a-hole plugging up my mailbox with unsolicited crap of Nanton.”) But never “the Colbert” of Nanton. I’ll take it! She also touched my arm.

Anyhow, this self-aggrandizing dross has dragged on long enough. Time for Experiment TRIVIA! (This is truly the great thing about fictional news.

After Danielle Smith touched my arm, did I? …

(a) …Not wash my arm since. And since the debate was nye two weeks ago now, begin to lose the respect of friends and family.

(b) … Become tickled pink by her comment then so overcome by nervousness I threw up.

(c) … Enact a wedding ceremony in my basement complete with pillow-stuffed effigies and a number of puppets as the wedding party.

(d) …Write at length about one mundane detail of our encounter to extend it into a story for a rather enjoyable miniature newspaper.

(e)… All of the above, except for (c). That’s just nonsense.

Think hard. Answer in Experiment's next issue.

*EDITORS NOTE: The Nanton Experiment considers itself politically wingless and does not endorse the Wildrose Alliance Party. It does, however, endorse wildroses, alliances and parties. All very pleasant things.

THE RANTIN’ NANTON

The Rantin’ Nanton is a forum dedicated to the airing of public grievances irregardless of how much one has had to drink. I figure since the majority of grievances are aired to me anyway, it was right to capitalize on it with a nominal fee. Payment for a slot in the Rantin’ Nanton can be made in cash or libation. Send your rantin’ to NANTONNEWSX@LIVE.CA

ALSO! THIS JUST IN: IRREGARDLESS NOT ACTUALLY A WORD.
*Brought to you by the words ‘de-thaw’ and ‘alot.’

AN EXPERIMENT EXCLUSIVE ON:

2009-09-09T22:49:00.008-06:00

KITTY HOMELESSNESS IN NANTON.

***SUBLIMINAL adopt a cat adopt a cat EDITION ***

WITH SPECIAL DRINKING GAME INSIDE!

*** The bona fide circulation of the Experiment this week is 1,200. Wow. Are you kidding me? ***

Is this what you want, Nanton? Is THIS what you want?!

Luckily it hasn’t come to giant cats toppling Nanton’s famed grain elevator. Yet. One thing is certain: a cat without a home is a recipe for disaster. This Editor foresees only two possibilities.

(See CATastrophe)

~ CATASTOPHE! ~

GOOD HOME NEEDED FOR

KITTY CATS RIGHT MEOW

By: Peter Worden

If no one chooses to adopt these purr-ty kitty cats there are only a couple possible scenarios I can forsee.

Scenario One: The poor owner becomes the lady with several cats, to whose house locals begin referring to simply as “where the Crazy Cat Lady lives.”

Scenario Two: To avoid becoming said Crazy Cat Lady, the owner relinquishes both cats onto the wild backstreets of Nanton, leaving them to their own devices. It’s only a matter of time before the rampant felines multiply and Nanton is overrun by mating kitties and cat poop. You thought the Great Nanton Doggy Poop Disaster of 2000-aught nine was bad - just you wait.

What can you do to save Nanton from certain destruction? Glad you asked

ADOPT THIS CAT.

Tigg needs a home. Actually, yours.
AND THIS ONE TOO.

Tigg (top pic) and Luna (directly above) are both free to a good home. They are darned good cats. They hope to stick together wherever it is they wind up. The kitty duo has provided years of joy to one family, but now their owner fears she will become the Crazy Cat Lady of the neighbourhood.

For examples of similar crazy cat ladies, see following pictures. For adoption information, look down.

FREE LAP CATS: 403 652 0939, jacoba@shaw.ca

OTHER NOTABLE "CAT WOMEN" OF THE WORLD:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

(1) The Simpson’s Cat Lady, (2) the Cats on Broadway, (3) an incredibly scary cat-resembling woman, (4) the BC “Felions” cheerleaders, very grrr,.. (5) Cat Woman.

I told the lady giving away her cats in this issue of the Experiment not to worry; this won’t happen to her - please don’t make me a liar.

~ THE DRINKING GAME SECTION ~

Wow. Your newspaper has a drinking game section?
That is correct.
It has been the long-standing opinion of this Editor that newspapers are bogus anyway. The amount of chemical utilized and refuse generated far outstrip whatever gravitas they purport to stand for. Bearing that in mind the Experiment, in its unending endeavour to make ‘the paper’ more useful or at the very least more enjoyable to the 18+ public, proudly presents:

A DRINKING GAME.

RULES:

- GET A BEER, WINE OR SIMILAR DEVICE.

- READ THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE.

- EACH TIME A LINE APPEARS TO WHICH YOU

CAN SAY “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID” HAVE A SIP.

- DO NOT DRINK TO EVERY WORD. THIS IS A 100-

WORD ARTICLE AND THIS NEWSPAPER DOES

NOT CONDONE DRINKING TO “IT’S”, “THE’S”

AND “AND’S”.

- IF PLAYED CORRECTLY YOU WILL BE THE

PROUD NEW OWNER OF TWO KITTY CATS.

KITTY ADOPTION DRINKING GAME

By: Peter J. Worden

Hi, and welcome to the Nanton Experiment’s first-ever article written in “drinking game format”. (Maybe even a fi rst for Alberta?)

In case you read “Drinking Game” on the front page and skipped directly to here, it’s important not to get too excited and rush in.

There are many reasons one should consider adopting a cat. That is, aft er all, what we’re doing here. For one, cats are scientifically proven to reduce stress levels in humans. Petting or stroking it has health benefits. When it comes to happiness and longevity, some doctors recommend doing it at least once a day.

After a nice heavy petting, some sleep it off , spending up to 16 hours of the day asleep. That said, most are generally very low-maintenance and simply spend much of their waking hours licking their underparts and pleasuring themselves with small toys.

Tigg and Luna are adorable little kitty cats. By now (if you played correctly) you may be considering adopting the two. Just promise to love them treat them well. Th at number again for those cuteoozykoozyoozagoodkittywittykittycats is:

403 652 0939

THE NANTON EXPERIMENT - Special Edition (Isn't every issue?) ...

2009-08-25T17:37:00.001-06:00

THIS JUST IN!

THIS MINIATURE NEWSPAPER RECEIVES

FIRST ADVERTISER!

... and a new business celebrates its grand

opening in Nanton. The Nanton Experiment rambles on

facetiously for a page-and-a-half in honour of both milestones.

Lady pigs (maybe) are just one of the things you may (or may not) find at Nanton's newest store.

It’s true!

Some might suggest the only real news story is that Ms. Pam Woodall has opened up a new shop here in Nanton called “Because I Said So”. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first I would like to congratulate Ms. Woodall on her milestone by tooting my own horn. Someone actually placed an ad in the Nanton Experiment! Congratulations, Pam and Me. I wish both of you the greatest of success. (Thank you, thank you.)

As for this new joint called Because I Said So, it’s unfortunate that due to my lack of actual news reporting, I can only speculate what’s actually in store.

Luckily speculation, conjecture and hyperbole are what the editorial department of this miniature newspaper thrives upon. And by editorial department, I mean, the scrunched up napkin in my pocket.

I was in La-La land day-dreaming of great things to come for the Nanton Experiment as Joe Woodall placed the first ad in this here paper, but I recall him saying something about cappucino. So I know, or at least I’m about 95 per cent certain, you can buy a cappucinno at Because I Said So. It’s not a cafe I’m pretty sure, because Pam’s already done that - it’s more of a retail shop.

But what exactly does she sell ...

Well.

It’s called Because I Said So, so I guess from the name - and because I never asked how it was spelled - Pam’s new store might very well offer sewing equipment. Because I Said Sew! Or, if I’m going to deduce such frivolous nonsense, I should probably deduce from the same reasoning that Pam also sells seeds and other sowing equipment (Because I Said Sow!) and by that same flawed rationale, adult female pigs.

And who in the pig trade doesn’t also sell bacon and other pork products? I imagine there’s a pig pen of some sort to keep the pigs away from all the sewing equipment ... and if Pam went through all the trouble of building a pig pen she probably offers a petting zoo too.

So, that should give you a pretty good idea of what you can expect at Nanton’s newest store: Because I Said So/Sew/Sow. Stop in this weekend and get your pig supplies. While you’re there, you’ll probably need to pick up some sewing equipment too because pigs like to chew clothing.

Congrats, Pam!

And in other semi-fictional news:

LOCAL POST OFFICE STAMPS OUT CRIME

BURGLAR GOES POSTAL - NANTON DELIVERS JUSTICE

THIS PAPER – NOW COMPLETELY OUT OF POSTAGE PUNS.

By: Peter J. Worden

The only sure things in life are death, taxes, that the price of stamps will increase and that the Nanton Experiment will have some smartass remark on a rather serious local crime.

To the two latter of these life certainties it should be noted that the real criminal in the Great Nanton Post Office Robbery of 2000-aught-nine is Canada Post itself. Why, with their sly bi-yearly stamp price increases of a penny or two it’s no wonder someone would resort to petty thievery.

The victim in this case, clearly, is the poor sap so destitute from the rising cost of stamps and desperate to do some obviously very important mailing he willingly entered himself in a midnight heist and bravely risked jail time. And now, to boot, as sure as the sun setting over the foothills, the cost of stamps will rise so quickly that the accumulation of stamps this poor man worked hard to steal will be out-of-date in a month and collector’s items in a year.

How will he not be caught red-handed when mailing letters with one $.52 stamp and 29 additional $.01 stamps tacked on?

THE NANTON EXPERIMENT - ISSUE No. 6. SIX? WOW, REALLY? YOU'RE STILL DOING THIS, EH ... DON'T YOU THINK MAYBE THIS NONSENSE HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH?

2009-08-17T17:14:00.000-06:00

Here is the online version of the Nanton Experiment. Voted Nanton's No. 1 premier miniature newspaper. By me a minute ago.

SATURDAY AUGUST 15, 2009

IN THIS WEEK'S NANTON EXPERIMENT:

NANTON TO TWIN WITH SENANTES, FRANCE!

TOWN COUNCIL TOYS WITH NEW NAME “FRANCETON”

TOGETHER AT LAST: From space, an artist’s depiction of what the actual twinning of Nanton, Alberta and Senantes, France will look like. The move is expected to cost in the zillion-bajillions of dollars and displace or simply crush millions of people. Western poutine sales are expected to skyrocket. Image courtesy of: NASA (That is, the Nanton Absurd Stories Assoc.)

Nanton twins with Senantes, France – Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Ontario to be crushed, pissed.

_______

Quebec, not too mad at all

By: Peter J. Worden

Noah Webster defines ‘twinning’ n. as the coupling of two things; union.

Nanton and the French village of Senantes will be formally twinned in a ceremony this afternoon. However, the Experiment has recently learned (and by ‘learned’ we mean ‘completely and arbitrarily just made-up’) that there are proposed plans already in the works to twin the two towns geographically, too.

In order to twin the towns in this fashion, the entire country of France will need to be lifted from the Earth and flown across the Atlantic using Nanton’s very own Lancaster bomber - the only of existing aircraft mighty enough to transport a country and its 61.5 million inhabitants.

The placement of France, though not finalized, is likely to upset neighbouring provinces, which Nanton officials expect to be simply crushed in the twinning endeavour. Residents of BC and Washington State were relieved that Spain and Portugal will not be coming too. Nanton’s Lancaster bomber currently only has two of its four engines in working order, therefore the payload was limited to just France.

AND, IN OTHER SEMI-FICTIONAL NEWS:

NANTON’S MCIVOR PUTS ON WORLD-CLASS FIREWORKS PERFORMANCE USING ONLY A PAPER CLIP, GUM WRAPPER, TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE, HIS SWISS ARMY KNIFE AND SEVERAL DOZEN OLD BIRTHDAY CANDLES.

By: Peter J. Worden.

Who’s responsible for timeliness at this shipwreck of a newspaper, anyway? Nanton Days, as you may have well noticed, happened several weeks ago. August 1 in fact. Now it’s nearly winter. This is truly the great thing about fictional news.

Sure, in the real Nanton pancakes are flipped and rubber ducks floated on only one day of the year. But in the Nanton Experiment’s Nanton, everyday is Nanton Day. So may I now wish many happy Nanton Days to you, good sir or madam (as the case may be) and a happy 364 belated Nanton Days to you as well.

McIvor, a local special agent in the government’s top secret Department of Fireworks, was once again expected to give Nanton his famed fireworks show; one for the books – or at the very least, this semi-fictional miniature newspaper.

McIvor laughs in the face of evil. (So do I, but he does it in a way that makes money.)

McIvor’s launch pad was all set to go when, at the last minute, he was thwarted by a crazed Torontonian with a Blackberry and a plot to commandeer Nanton’s celebratory fireworks show and use it to blow up the downtown Nanton News office.

ENTER: McIvor (Read in gruff and wispy voice. Also, cue synthesized music.)

EXTERIOR: It’s late Sunday night and the sun has just fallen behind the foothills. McIvor busily prepares the best damn fireworks show southern Alberta has ever seen. That’s when he hears a deep and ominous grumble from behind him.

“Hello, McIvor.”

(McIvor turns to face the shadowy voice.)

McIvor: Well, well. Dr. Munsedia. So. We meet again.

Dr. Munsedia: Don’t move.

McIvor freezes.

Dr. Munsedia: I don’t have a gun or any weapons on me, McIvor, but I do have the power of litigation and billions and billions of dollars in legal assets that could cripple you for the rest of your days. Take this rope and tie yourself up.

With that Dr. Munsedia easily convinces McIvor into tying himself up in a chair and proceeds to aim McIvor’s fireworks pad at the Nanton News office.

EXTERIOR: The happy crowd of Nantonian partygoers anxiously awaits McIvor’s grand spectacle. Meanwhile, McIvor’s years in special ops training at the Department of Fireworks kick in ...

McIvor: Hey, Munsedia - I’ve got some news for you!

FIGHT SCENE: McIvor busts through the tangle of ropes - which is really quite silly ‘cause he’s the one who tied himself up in the first place - and using a paperclip and an old tube of toothpaste McIvor cleverly pokes Dr. Munsedia in the eye and douses him with a shot of toothpaste. Munsedia, blinded and dumbfounded, stumbles forward so McIvor kicks him in the ass on to a pile of fireworks.

McIvor: Munsedia, you’re fired!

EXTERIOR: Dr. Munsedia is shot mile-high with a tonne of fireworks. The town of Nanton claps as they watch the fireworks show.

THE END

SUN MEDIA THREATENS THIS HERE FINE PUBLICATION WITH LEGAL RESTITUTION UNLESS IT CHANGES NAME. OL' PETEY BEGRUDGINLY OBLIGES

2009-07-14T10:12:00.001-06:00

It’s true.

You might not think much of this little newspaper, but it has managed to garner the attention of those as far away as Toronto – the very centre of our universe.

Above is a letter excerpt from the devil’s advocate himself, Sun Media’s legal counsel (and you thought it was just a figure of speech). The letter asks the Nanton News Experiment to refrain from calling itself that as it is “confusingly similar” to the publication the Nanton News.

Below this is an excerpt of the letter and below that, my response to legal counsel.

EXCERPT

Dear Mr. Warden:

You are fully entitled to publish a community publication in Nanton. But you are not entitled to publish one under a name that is confusingly similar to the Nanton News, which is published by Sun Media.

The name “Nanton News” is the valuable intellectual property of Sun Media. By using the name “Nanton News Experiment”, you are very clearly trading on the public reputation of the Nanton News, a name associated in the public mind with Sun Media. The fact of that association could give rise, and may have already given rise, to public confusion between your publication and Sun Media’s, and this may cause Sun Media damage for which you are in law responsible.

Sun Media requires you to take immediate steps to change the name of your publication to one that is clearly and distinctly different from Nanton News or any confusingly similar variation thereof, and to confirm to me when you have done so. … If you fail to do so, Sun Media will consider itself at liberty to take all steps open to it to protect its business and will hold you responsible for all costs incurred in doing so, whether in the form of lost revenue or the costs of enforcing its rights or both.

Yours truly,

Tycho Manson

RESPONSE:

Dear Mr. Manson – Director Legal Affairs, Sun Media

That the name “Nanton News” is the valuable intellectual property of Sun Media – let’s maybe start there.

I quarrel with the use of “intellectual” mainly. This may be one of those things that invariably gets glossed over in legal proceedings, but in the court of public opinion let the record show that Sun Media considers itself valuable intellectual property and I, Peter Worden, do not.

Secondly, that the use of the name Nanton News Experiment clearly trades on the public reputation of the Nanton News, well now you might have me there. I have made many interesting trades in the past two months with my Nanton News Experiment. In particular, I traded one man a cigar for a copy of my newspaper. I traded another woman a pet of her new puppy for a newspaper, too.

What I am getting at is that in conversation with Nanton-folk, and in trading on your reputation, I haven’t sold any newspapers at all. There has been no cost for my paper and no advertising either.

As for the two names being “confusingly similar”, your remark doesn’t say much for the people of Nanton. For one, the Nanton News Experiment is one-sixteenth the size.

"The reputation you are trying to protect by seeking legal action, is – in my conversations with people – not all that great to begin with."

I certainly have not taken any business away from your treasured Nanton News, and I must be honest, the reputation you are trying to protect by seeking legal action, is – in my conversations with people – not all that great to begin with.

Sun Media shut the Nanton News office down. Sun Media has laid-off hundreds of workers. Sun Media doesn’t seem to give an absolute damn for Nanton. What damage then could I possibly be responsible for that Sun Media hasn’t done to itself already?

"What damage then could I possibly be responsible for that Sun Media hasn’t done to itself already?"

The mighty Nanton skyline.

The Nanton News Experiment is and has always been just that – an experiment of the modern-day local newspaper in the beautiful Alberta town of Nanton. While your letter is one variable I hadn’t taken into account, I must, like any good scientist, look at the entire equation. The equation, by my calculations, now requires tweaking otherwise the result will be an obsolete miniature newspaper no one’s ever heard of and its defunct editor several trillions of dollars in debt.

You indicate clearly that your concern is with the name of this publication and so, that’s fair enough. From here on in this news experiment will be referred to simply as: the Nanton Experiment. I’ll take my shots where I may and in the meantime oblige your concern as all my legal counsel monies are currently tied up at a bar of another sort in Nanton’s Auditorium Hotel.

Sincerely,

Peter Worden

Newest editor of the Nanton X

LIVE BLOGGING FROM MAIN STREET, NANTON!

2009-06-13T14:57:00.000-06:00

(Most reporters I know live blog about hockey games, Question Period, rodeos. I do slow trickles of traffic.)

The Nanton News Experiment news desk on Main St., Nanton.

11:40 a.m.

Set up- lemonade stand-type newspaper “office” to distribute my Nanton News Experiment. Can’t help but think how Pierre Berton was 22 when he edited the Vancouver Sun. I’m 24.

12: 05 p.m.

Best. Bun-wich. Ever. Main St. Café ladies asked if I wanted one of their famous bun-wiches , it was on the house, with ham, sausage, egg, onion, lettuce, tomato, and, “Stop,” I said. “Just stop.” You had me at bun-wich …

1:05 p.m.

Talked with Ron Stewart who appeared to me, a happy cross of “Doc” from Back to the Future and my uncle Wayne. Ron reminisces to me about his time in radio and how once in the 60s when working in Grande Prairie, CN ordered him not under an circumstances to plug or unplug anything unless teletyped from Toronto to do so. Dutiful almost to a fault, he didn't touch the plug, waiting to hear from Toronto and the entire country west of Ontario missed Hockey Night in Canada that fateful evening.

Hearing such has spurred me on for at least the next hour of watching highway traffic, knowing that working locally totally beats being told what to do from someone 4,000 kms away. Can you even imagine??

1: 20 – 1:22 p.m.

Robbed blind!

Passersby have been for the most part very reluctant to stop for seeds while I sit here, but I leave for one measely minute to get coffee and I get ransacked! Oh humanity …

Just another day at the office. Except, the office is closed so I work outside.

2:00 p.m.

Rain.

I like you rain, you’re good for hair growth and retention, but lousy for newspapers and laptops. The former Nanton News office behind and slightly beside me has a perdy lookin’ canopy. The irony would be too much.

2:40 p.m.

Hoping the scent of rain in the air will remind passersby it’s still Spring and increase my seed sales exponentially. I’m starting to feel a little like the Wedding Singer – giving away my hard work for meatballs and whatnot. I’ve made trades today for a coffee, a cigar and the opportunity to play with someone’s puppy. Newspaper reporters don’t get rich trading journalism for favours. Actually, reporters don’t get rich, period.

2:55 p.m.

Ominous gunsteel clouds incoming. Canopy even more enticing.

3:30 p.m.

Alison Myers! Alison Myers from 5 o'clock, 6 o'clock and 7 o'clock news on CBC Radio stopped by MY office ... you know, just to chat. OK, so what if my "office" is just an old card table and I have a bona fide distribution of 28, Alison Myers was interested in MY newspaper. CBC Radio is the greatest. Maybe one day people will wear T-shirts with the Nanton News Experiment logo on it ...

THE SEEDY SIDE OF NEWS-MAKING

2009-06-09T18:26:00.000-06:00

THE SEEDY SIDE OF NEWS-MAKING

It’s dirty work (starting a miniature newspaper) but someone’s got to do it.

Hi, and welcome to the “seed capital” edition of the Nanton News Experiment.

If you’re reading this I’ll deduce either you (a) care deeply about the existence of a local newspaper (b) care moderately about the existence of a local newspaper and figured: ‘Sure, what the heck. I could use some seeds,’ or (c) wanted me off your property and buying seeds was the fastest way. Whatever the case may be, thank you.

Your donation is fully funding the continuation of an experiment concerning the modern-day local newspaper. My hypothesis: The perfect newspaper should and can exist in Nanton, Alberta.

The local newspaper has made a sorry name for itself recently.

What was once an intelligent and entertaining way to communicate in a small town – the local newspaper – now denotes a drab layout cluttered with advertising and vacuous stories (referred to less and less as ‘articles’ and ‘stories’ and more often simply as ‘content’). There is decreasingly little useful ‘content’ to be read.

The community newspaper has been diminishing for some time now like a garden harvested over and over again without ever adding anything new to the mix. Well, dear reader, the newspaper you are reading and the seeds you plant shortly are all part of an optimistic replenishment process.

I could (and almost definitely will) go on at length about the importance of the local newspaper. But not right now. Right now I want to iterate what this paper, the Nanton News Experiment, intends to stand for and what you can expect in successive issues.

First, a good newspaper needs a mission statement. So let’s maybe start with that right now:

NANTON NEWS X MISSION STATEMENT:

Always have a clear Mission Statement. (Check.)

Advertise sparingly and only with businesses/individuals meeting a certain standard of ethics. Never be at the whim of advertising revenue.

Readers should comprise the bulk of the newspaper’s articles, arguments and dialogue.

Grow creatively. Engage an audience of readers and advertisers with inventiveness, humour, honesty and credibility.

If we want the world to be transparent to the newspaper, the newspaper must be transparent to the world. Report income and status regularly and share introspective news about the newspaper.

That’s all for now. I thank you for your donation and would very much like to hear from you so that I might include your comments, positive or otherwise, in the following issue.

SEED CAPITAL EDITION

2009-06-02T14:26:00.002-06:00

For those of you interested in the goings-on of this here Nanton News Experiment, a brief update is warranted.

Last weekend and the weekend before last weekend were really the New Experiment’s true grand debut. With the help of a number of Nanton townsfolk spurring me on with hearty encouragement and gratti cappuccinos I made my rounds to over 200 homes and businesses in the greater Nanton area.

The objective remains to re-open the historic downtown Nanton News office, which closed April 6. The shtick, for those just tuning in, is a miniature newspaper written by myself and hand-delivered to Nantonians with hopes of generating enough support to grow the newspaper from the one-sixteenth-sized chapterette it currently is to a legitimate publication that no longer feels so embarrassed when showering with the other newspapers after gym class.

Door-to-door I went walking, ringing, explaining, begging, sweating, apologizing and selling garden seeds – a symbolic product of growth and faith and slow hope that after weeks of playing in the dirt a product will finally bear fruit. (For this ideal and for all the seeds I must thank the good owners of Home Hardware in Lloydminster. http://www.lifeatthestore.com/ )

The seeds were packaged in five and ten-counts wrapped in Sun Media’s free weekly paper 24 Hours – the symbolism there being that it is good for little else but wrapping. I even used twine to tie a bow and tucked the papers in like a mini present.

Alas, I would measure the success of the past two weekends somewhere in between stinging, bitter failure and acceptable first-time venture. I had hoped the revenue generated by the seeds – “seed capital” if you will – could grow the next issue of the News Experiment. Maybe even make it colour. Factor in the cost of production and the seeds, and I barely broke even.

In a final blitzkrieg late Saturday night I turned my dial from ‘carefree young entrepreneur’ to ‘desperate Willy Lowman’ but it was no use. I have several dozen unsold packets of seeds and even more that were given as good will.

The next issue of the Nanton News Experiment will therefore likely be the same size.

This is not to say last weekend was not a lot of fun. In my next post I plan to share stories of the folks who invited me into their homes and share some of the concerns they raised for good or ill. After last weekend, I’ve never wanted to start my own Nanton newspaper so badly.

MY REVISED CONDITIONS

2009-05-10T12:34:00.001-06:00

Aha Sun Media – it appears the shoe is on the other foot! Or at least now we’re both shoeless …

It’s been brought to my attention the Nanton News is again looking for a new editor (http://jeffgaulin.com/jobs/JobDetails.asp?id=6425).

When vying for the position as Nanton News editor but a short time ago, I made my only stipulation that the moribund Nanton News office had to remain open. I went so far as to even suggest paying the rent and inhabiting the news office myself. Sleep in, work in my underwear – how bad could it be? Not gonna happen I was told. When Sun Media’s foot comes down, it comes down harder than 2009 stocks. Zing! Everyone will work from home – no ifs, ands, buts, come’ons, pretty pleases or ‘even if I promise to put pants on’s’ and especially no other such outrageous stipulations.

Well Sun Media now that you appear in a bind, these are my revised conditions:

1. The Nanton News office stays open. End of story.

2. I want a non-fat, easy-foam latte delivered to me free of charge every morning by a pony.

3. I want a pony. (This pony will be for my personal conveyance around town. Not, I repeat NOT my coffee pony.)

4. Next, I want belly-dancers. All-day belly-dancers. EXCEPT for when I'm trying to eat lunch and when I’m in the bathroom. They must casually accept me if and when I do both.

5. I want, no questions asked, a computer that talks to me in the sultry voice of Cuddy from House.

6. I want scratch n’ sniff bylines. Dibs on grape.

7. A lava lamp for my desk made with real lava.

8. Phone line to God. (Always good for a quote.)

9. Freshly baked gnocchi from the Wild Thyme Café for myself and my harem of hungry dancers.

10. The Nanton News office roof to be punctured with 240 holes so I can enjoy a relaxing game of oversized cribbage and lightly imbibe on sunny days.

Ball’s in your court, Mr. and Mrs. Evil Corporation. I shall await your call.